Dear Sir or Madam,

First off, you’re a git. In a parking zone with six cars in it why did you only pick my car and the £20 minidisc stereo in it that’s probably useless to you unless you have some MDs to play which is unlikely really isn’t it? Likewise, I hope you get some real headaches attempting to use the prescription sunglasses you stole out of the glove compartment. On the other hand, thank you for not smashing in the windows or denting anything in your attempt to nick those two items. You did short the passenger-side lights though which did give things away and obviously the lock you knocked in to gain entry is truly knackered now. Still, the central locking works so I can still drive the car at least even if I have the inconvenience of having to wait three weeks for replacement lock because the garage can’t get a new one in before I go on honeymoon. I dare you to have another go while I'm away. I look forward to you finding the pissed off tai-pan in the glove compartment and poison gas release I’ve now wired into the boot release mechanism.